Raising Girls

To The Mom With A Crazy Toxic Mom

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UPDATE: I have a blog post on Real Life Mama about having a toxic mom and how I am dealing with this situation. Since the holiday season is upon us, you might find yourself in the presence of a toxic family member.

Think long and hard about how you deal with it + how you expose your girls to the toxicity.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but I know that I am not alone + this might just help another mom out there get through it.

Toxic Mom Syndrome

I always knew my mom was a little off. She definitely wasn’t like all of my friends’ moms or my cousins’ moms. When you’re growing up, it’s all you know, so you think it’s normal.

Even as you become an adult, you think that she’s your mom so you’re just supposed to put up with whatever she tosses your way.

You know what?

You don’t have to just take it.

She doesn’t get to say + do whatever she wants just because she is your mom.

In a timely event, I ran across an article, Why It’s Okay to Cut Toxic Family Members Out Of Your Life.

The article talks about the signs of a toxic family member + sadly my mom exhibits all of these traits.T

I Don’t Want To Be A Toxic Mom

The hardest part for me is not the emotional + verbal abuse that I take from her. Nope. I can handle it. I’m an adult (at least I am supposed to be at 43).

The hardest part for me is that I sometimes see myself or hear myself being like her + sadly, the last thing I want in the world is to be like her.

I truly have to make a concerted + conscious effort every day to be nothing like her.

Some days I pass with flying colors + other days I fail miserably. I tell you what I am going to do, however. I’m going to make it my life’s goal to have more days where I pass with flying colors + fewer + fewer days where I fail miserably.

I Put Up With It For My Kids

If it weren’t for my three girls, I wouldn’t have anything to do with her. I know that probably makes me sound like I am the crazy one. I probably am.

I probably should shield them from it all.

When I am wandering through this great big world + I find that I am having a problem with this person + that I am complaining about that person + then silently give another driver the finger because he’s driving like a crazy person, I stop.

I quickly realize that it cannot be everyone else in the world that’s wrong so it has to be me. When you have legal issues, anger issues + just plain old issues with everyone you encounter, it’s not all of them, it’s you.

My mom has legal + personal issues with just about everyone + every transaction she encounters. Her last two jobs, before she retired early, she had lawsuits against.

In an unsurprising twist of fate, she + my dad apparently bought a home recently + had a huge problem with the builder so they were bashing the builder all over Facebook.

When they lived in Florida, they had a problem with their friends that lived across the street so they stopped talking to them.

When they had a house in Tennessee, they had a legal problem with their friends that were also their neighbors so they settled out of court with them, sold their house + moved.

When she goes to a restaurant, there’s almost always a problem with the person taking the order at the counter or waitperson.

When she has to go to the doctor or dentist or [insert professional here], she has a problem with the receptionist, one of the nurses, or the doctor, or [insert a person she encounters].

My Dad Is Collateral Damage

My dad is collateral damage from her behavior. I can empathize because I think, like me, he sort of thinks that this is just the way it is. The sad truth is that it doesn’t have to be.

She spins these tales that are a completely warped sense of reality — from what really happened. He, then goes along with it.

When I respond to her text message, she comprehends it as the exact opposite of what I actually typed — in writing. Then she is on the attack. She calls me names. She says nasty things to me. She starts demanding things.

It’s mind-blowing. I have reached the point that I’ve had enough. I have officially cut them off. While this is one of the saddest things I ever have done in my life, it is also FREEING.

The stress + negativity is gone from my home + my life (at least the stress she was causing). I don’t worry every time I get a text message that it is her on the attack once again. I have also discovered via Facebook groups, Reddit + a myriad of other places + groups that I am definitely not the only one with a toxic mom.

And, neither are you, my mommy friend.

So in some ways, while I wish I were the only one with a toxic mom, I know I’m not. I know that there is at least one other mom out there, reading posts from her friends on how wonderful their mothers are + how they aspire to be half as great as them, that doesn’t feel that way about her mother.

I don’t feel that way either, girl. While I don’t know you, while I’m probably not in the same city as you, I know exactly how you feel + I’m sad for you like I’m sad for myself.

I also know that you don’t have to take it + the best thing for you might be to cut her out of your life. Just know that you’re not alone.

There are others like you in this world.

XOXO, Kristie
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  • Sherry

    I have said many times that people get what they are looking for. If they are looking to be wronged, they will always find a way that someone wronged them. If they are looking to find joy, they will always find joy. It can be difficult to stay above the line at times, but you are right. If the common denominator is a specific individual, that is definite evidence that it is that specific individual and not all others they are associated with. Good for you for being able to take a step back and remove yourself from the toxicity!

    • girlmom

      I couldn’t even fit all of the situation into this post. I started to but it became so long + rambling. It is a sad situation but I actually feel so much better + so free by putting it out to the universe + by cutting the toxicity out of our lives. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

  • Ayesha

    “The hardest part for me is that I sometimes see myself or hear myself being like her + sadly, the last thing I want in the world is to be like her.” This so resonated with me. I try so hard NOT to be like my mom. Similarly, I find holidays like Mother’s Day hard because every card claims “Best Mom Ever” and mine isn’t. I can’t pretend otherwise. *Hugs* Thanks for posting this.

    • girlmom

      It is a sad situation. I always felt the same way about picking out cards, too. I’m sorry your mom is not the best she can be. Hugs to you, Mama. Thank you for taking the time to read it.

      • Morgan

        It oddly feels comforting to see my own thoughts typed out by someone else. It doesn’t make it any easier or less sad. But at least I know I’m not alone. My husband lost his mother before we even met, so I don’t even have a substitute mom or a fill in or a sound board for the crazy. I just think… I’m going to do my damndest to rewrite it all.

  • Arianne Peters

    I had to cut my mother out of my child’s life because she was so toxic and brought too much violence and negativity in our lives. It was the hardest thing I ever done but as parents we have to do what best for our children. Great read!

    • girlmom

      Yes, it is definitely one of the hardest things I have to do in my life, too. You have to protect your child. Great job, Mama! Hugs.

      • Mel Kreger

        I needed to read this. The only reason I haven’t cut her out of my life is because of my son, which like you said, probably makes me even crazier. I hate how my crazy mother has made her whole life to make me seem like it was all of my fault for her problems. Thank you so much for sharing this, I needed it more than you know.

  • Futhi

    They say family is everything and I think this is the reason why we tend to stick with the toxic family members even when they cause some damage in our lives. I applaud you for your bravery and honesty, it’s not easy cutting off any family member but sometimes it has to be done in order to shield your own family/children from them. All the best mommy, you are doing a good job

  • Cendu

    This is so tough. On the one hand, you shouldn’t have to put up with this type of behavior from anyone, then on the other hand it’s your mother and it must be so difficult to cut her off. I wonder if it is something that may help in the long run though. Does she realize she’s being toxic? sometimes people need a reality check. I hope she learns its not okay for you or your daughters.

    • girlmom

      It is very hard.

      I’ve been dealing with it for 43 years now but in the last year it’s gotten really bad.

      I told her that I was not going to respond to crazy so I ignored it whenever she sent me a crazy text. That is until the last text she sent me:

      “You are unbelievable you allowed those children to not celebrate my birthday with me because you’re mean and cruel and this was about me because I could care less about birthdays. Kate knows everything she told me she knows why I can’t come to the house she tells me she misses me every day when she hugged me goodbye and you let her suffer in silence. you deserve whatever happens to you. I will have no contact with you. if you want us to see the kids go to your father. It’s unbelievable how’s the hateful you are“

      This was it for me.

      I should also add that this is not the only text/email or even the worst text/email she’s sent to me.

    • girlmom

      Thank you for taking the time to read it + I’m sorry that you can relate. I wish things were different for both of us.

    • Crystal

      I came across this on Pinterest and it stood out so I read this and as I was reading and then noticing how current it is I feel the need to comment. I have recently came across the word narcissist. Research narcissistic personality disorders and traits and watch a few you tube videos on this subject. It was an eye opening experience and it helped me to understand, taught me ways to stand up for myself and helped me get thru the detachment. I hope this helps and I wish you and everyone peace and happiness.

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